Dead From the Neck Up
by MouseMuse
Summary: Sometimes life did not turn out as one wished. Surely, no one wished for dangerous ninjas to pop out and demand lodgings. And those cloaks look rather gay, in fact. What'll happen when the Akatsuki ends up in our world? Hilarity will definitely NOT ensue
1. Prologue

Hi. So...yeah. Starting a new story...been a while since I published anything on fanfiction .net, but oh well. I _know_ the idea is cliche, I _know_ the Akatsuki would kill them in an instant and I _know_ the prologue is boring. I wanted to set the mood before the chaos begins. So, yeah. Reviews are gladly accepted, critique eagerly anticipated and all of you other suckers can just go away. Or something. Gosh.

(Sorry about the swearing. I'm from the coast...)

**Dead From the Neck Up**

_by MouseMuse_

**PROLOGUE**

If you lie down with the Devil, you will wake up in Hell. And it's empty.

Zdravka stared out the car-window with droopy eyes, too tired and irritated to voice her discomfort. Johanna on the other hand had endless amounts of energy and soon spoke up:

"It's bloody deserted!" she declared. The village they drove through seemed rid of people, or any type of life. Dull, colorless and quiet - quite a big change from the busy streets of London. Zdravka, known as just Zee among her friends, steered the car down the muddy road, eyeing her surroundings with a slight frown. Perhaps they were all down at the docks? Hammarshire did proudly exaggerate their reputation as a fishing village after all.

"I see alive people," whispered the only boy in the car dramatically; he rested in the passenger seat, and tried to point discreetly at the townspeople who were gathered around something called _The Jolly Fisherman_. They looked as worn down and bland like their hometown, with harsh skin Zee associated with people spending most of their lives outside. Like the paint on the houses was faded and rough, so were their features. Like Zee, they were frowning.

"They don't look too happy," commented Oliver, and made a face at one of the elder ladies. Jo in the back seat laughed her hoarse bark of a laugh, and proceeded to make kissy faces out the window as they drove by. Zee saw this in the mirror, but decided not to comment. She lazily nodded when she made eye contact with someone who did _not_ resemble a "jolly fisherman." He spat on the ground.

Oliver read the directions again. "Follow the road through the village, and about 4 miles further." Luckily they did not need to ask for directions, as only one road continued out of the village and along the coast.

Supporting the steering wheel with her knee, she opened the window and lit herself a cigarette. How could she really blame the villagers not giving them a hearty welcome? Driving in a filthy, minty green mini-van with the word "Smooth" painted on the side was not the fastest way to gain approval in a conservative town in the middle of nowhere. If it was up to her, she would not drive the filthy, minty green mini-van at all, but it was the only way they could fit four youths, a medium-sized dog and all of their belongings as they drove the good 130 miles from London.

"Well, they did at least have a pub. Any place with a good pub is acceptable, in my opinion." Jo still discussed the town with Oliver. "Of course, I'd soon accept any place with alcohol, given there were reasonable quantities of the stuff." She laughed again, and Zee smiled.

Oliver had opened the other window, and the mini-van soon filled with the fresh breeze from the sea. "It smells like fish," he said. And they all saw the vast ocean on the left side of the road, and heard the cries of the gulls - all except Victoria, the other girl in the back seat. She snored gently, with a labrador on her lap.

Zee saw the contours of a great big house up ahead, and sighed. It was going to be one hell of a summer.

* * *

Slamming of car doors woke her up, and she blinked groggily. A heavy figure consisting of fur and saliva slept soundly on top of her - she rubbed her eyes before pushing the mutt down. "Get down, you." Rocky whined, but obliged and bolted out of the van, eager to explore his new surroundings.

Shivering, she put her jacket on and followed her friends out of the van. Zee stood still in front of her, not saying a word.

"Fiddlesticks." Jo finally voiced their feelings, just a tad lighter than Tori would have. A great big, goddamn house loomed over them. Tori felt small.

"This is the freaking epitome of a Haunted House," said Oliver lightly, standing at Tori's side. She glanced at him, seeing that the blonde looked happy as ever. She groaned.

"It's huge, man." Hugging herself, she studied the great house that towered in front of them. Undoubtly, it had once looked magnificent, but now time had removed its grace. Two stories, a patio, huge windows and great attention to detail made it look expensive and dreamy. The flaking paint, overgrown bushes, rust and some light graffiti made it look like…a _lot_ of work.

"Okay. All in favour of selling this heap of junk to a scary movie director, raise your hand" said Oliver and held his hand up.

Tori glared. "Shush." It _did_ look creepy, and the dust on the windows accompanied by the light wind produced shadows and contours not fit for Tori's overreactive imagination.

"Seriously, look at it! It can be haunted by anything! Such an old house…I'm sure there's a murder somewhere in its history."

"Shut up, would ya?"

"Okay, but don't come running to me when a homicidal maniac cut out your innards." He held his hands up in defeat, a light grin never leaving his face. Tori hit him slightly on the arm, just to make herself feel better. The hair on her neck stood up in expectation. Even in the bright daylight, the house gave her a bad feeling.

"Oh shush, Ollie," Jo sang and swung an arm over Zee's scrawny shoulders. "We'll have this place in tip-top condition in no time, y'know? And then we'll have so loud parties that even the toughest poltergeist will be scared." She proceeded to strut forward, probably still grinning.

Tori wished she shared Jo's optimism, but she had that pessimism built in along with her sense of reality. This place was…nothing more than a lot of work. Even Jo, with all her energy and infinite amount of confidence was not prone to hard work of any kind. Sighing, she ambled forwards.

"Well, Zee. What're your thoughts on this?" she asked the red-head, the two of them being the only pragmatists of the gang. She hoped Zee saw the reason of just turning around and going back.

"Fuck me," Zee said quietly under her breath, a string of smoke rising from within her lungs; the cigarette hung loosely from her lips. "Fuck me _hard_."

* * *

Johanna considered herself a good-natured girl, with a positive attitude towards most things. She was kind to children, most of the time, adored all kinds of animals, even the icky ones, and made it her goal to turn a frown upside down. Despite this, she admitted (to herself, not to the others) that her spirit sank when she saw the great project that would occupy them for the rest of the summer.

Carefully putting a boot-clad foot on the stairs, she became the first one to get a physical experience of the building. The house even smelled old. Once trusting that the probably rotten woodwork would hold her weight, she stepped up. And shrieked.

"FIDDLESTICKS ON A PLATFORM!" she screamed, waving her hands everywhere and dancing wildly around on the steps. "BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER!"

"Jo! What's wrong?" Oliver came rushing to her aid, barely avoiding being slapped by the frantic girl.

"Spiders!" She hopped down, and waltzed around on the grass, brushing herself off and making tiny noises of disgust. "Gross, eight-legged creatures with weird eyes and…cobwebs!" Shuddering, and checking herself for any leftover yuckies, she imagined tiny little legs crawling all over her. The shuddering increased. Jo hated insects and spiders…things with more legs than four were unnatural, okay? As a self-proclaimed nature-lover it was hypocritical of her to loathe these tiny figures, but she couldn't help herself. Her worst nightmare consisted of caterpillars or centipedes.

"Grossgrossgross," she muttered and threw dirty glances towards the patio. Snakes? No problem. Crocodiles? Bring 'em on! Bats? Sure. But spiders? No. Big no.

Oliver, being the gentleman Jo imagined him to be, removed most of the cobwebs with a long stick he found lying about. He casually remarked that they should expect a lot of bugs inside the house, since it had been unoccupied for so long. Jo hit him over the head, and thus removed herself from any bug-or-spider-related duties.

They ventured inside, Jo a lot more careful now, and the sight awed them. Dust arose from the disturbance in the air, and wild coughing ensued. Covering her mouth with her fist, she tried to make out what the insides looked like. The windows, not only covered in grime but also heavy curtains, allowed no light inside the living room, making it black as night. Splitting up, they each explored different parts of the house. Putting a scarf on like a mask, Johanna went to tear down the curtains. Immediately shrieking started again, as dead spiders and flies rained down upon her.

* * *

"Pass me the ketchup, yeah?"

"Who wants the chili ones?"

"Oy, stop burping, you imbecile!"

The mood lifted considerably as the night came, and they lit the quiet night soothed them, with just a mild breeze, and they sat huddled around, hotdogs on sticks like they were out camping. Rocky laid at Oliver's feet, chewing happily on a bone. They discussed everything and nothing, as their conversations usually went.

"Have any of you considered, that we have to cook like this for several weeks?" Zee ruined the mood, and took a huge mouthful of beer. 

"Oh shush, it'll be fun," Jo said and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "It's like being back in the 1920's or something. Back in the old days."

It's true, Zee mused. They even had to get water from a well, which was a LOT more work than it first looked like . They were lucky someone had covered the well and the water proved drinkable. Tori refused to drink it however, unless it had been boiled. The house did actually have electricity, but it was old and they had to get an electrician to work on it. He was coming in a couple of weeks; the gang had figured they could survive without TV, internet, telephones and microwaves in that short amount of time.

"It's not that we cook so much anyway." Oliver tried to talk with half a hotdog in his mouth. He swallowed. "Well, except you, Zee."

Zee smiled slightly at the praise. They were all students after all, and Tori pretty much survived on Chinese takeaway and frozen pies. Jo however had a slightly healthier diet, consisting of beer and her mother's cooking. Zee came from a big family, and being the eldest daughter of six siblings, she had done loads of the cooking from early age.

"Just to make it clear, I'm _not_ doing all the cooking when we get a stove," Zee reminded them. Oliver groaned.

"You can't expect us to survive if Tori's doing the cooking."

"Shut up," Tori said, but with a smile. "I can't help I'm a spoiled American. I'm used to _other_ people making the food."

"Yeah, people like my mum." Jo laughed loudly. "I'm more concerned we don't get to shower for two weeks!"

"We discussed this in the car. We'll shower in the village. Mrs Lawrence made some arrangements." Oliver licked his fingers, and ended the conversation.

Oh yes, Mrs Lawrence. Zee started plucking at her ancient shoes. The mysterious aunt of Oliver who "hired" them. In the exchange of fixing the old Lawrence House they got to keep it. The old lady _apparently_ did not like the thought of selling the property so that someone would tear down the house. _Apparently_, it had some nostalgic value to her. It sounded fishy to Zee, but as Tori pointed out constantly, Zee was naturally skeptic to things. The rest of the gang did not have enough money to travel anywhere for the summer, so when Oliver made the proposition, they didn't hesitate. Well, they didn't hesitate much.

But Zee couldn't imagine any of them had ever thought the house would be in this horrific condition. However, Zee thought, she was the only one used to hard work, no matter how lazy she seemed. Her Slavic background made her proud, and her whole family worked all the time to provide for their children's education and well-being. Sometimes, being an immigrant made you stronger.

They decided to sleep outside the first night, in just their sleeping bags. In June the evening was warm enough, and the house still reeked of age and stuffiness. Zee laid down, slightly taken aback of the starry sky above her. Beautiful. You couldn't see this in London.

Oliver fell asleep first, his manly snoring breaking the silence. Jo giggled in the dark. "Shut it," Zee said, with humor covering her anger. They had been friends a long time, and she knew that even though she was stuck in the middle of nowhere with none of the modern benefits they were so dependant of, she was stuck with the best people in the world.

Oliver's snore got stuck in his throat, making a charming "Nghyaaghaarrgh" noise. Even Zee giggled.

* * *

Hate it? Love it? Ideas? I swear I don't verbally assault people without reason.


	2. Ch 1: Quiet before the storm

_A/N: Hm, I think it starts a bit slow, but I don't want a rushed fic. So...yeah. Chapter 1, here we go! Please read in 3/4 mode._

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* * *

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**Dead From the Neck Up**

_by MouseMuse_

**Chapter 1**

**Quiet before the storm**

Even though Tori realised how everyone always viewed her as the shy, timid one, practically a virgin, she knew the pleasant ways to get dirty, sweaty and out of breath. Now she also knew the _un_pleasant way. Trying, and failing, to blow away strands of hair that stuck to her grimy face, she huffed and stopped scrubbing the mirror for half a second. It proved difficult to clean the house, due to the lack of hot water. They had found a big kettle in the kitchen, and attempted to boil some water on the fire outside. After a lot of arguing and frustration, Jo and Oliver had built some sort of construction to hold the kettle in its place. But a watched kettle never boils, as they say, and it took time. Well, at least they had soap.

"I'm so glad I live in the 21st century."

Tori was a city-girl, and very aware of it. Never would she consider herself a typical bimbo from LA, because she was in fact a bit of a geek, but she would also never consider herself domestic or outdoorsy. She preferred a good chair, a cup of hot cocoa and a good book, all assets to a modern life in the city; not being able to use the toilet killed her. At least Zee promised they would go into town later on. Who knew someone would miss toilet paper so much?

After venturing upstairs in the house, they had counted the total amount of rooms to sixteen, not including the two balconies, patio, basement and attic. Ridiculous. Rich people, pah. In fear of rats and other pestilence-carrying creatures, they had not entered the basement yet. Zee figured they needed to get ahold of some flashlight and perhaps rat-poisoning.

They were each working on different rooms, scrubbing, cleaning, dusting and airing out the place. Tori, in the library, was accompanied with all kinds of silverware, trophies and books. Whoever lived here before, had taken the care to pack the books in huge boxes, probably to avoid damage. Why not just take them away? Or donate them?

It was kind of ironic that Tori, the bookish nerd, got stuck in the library. She had a suspicion Jo came up with the idea - she would find something like this funny. Sneezing for the hundredth time, Tori decided she didn't understand the funny part. She envied Oliver, who busied himself outside, removing weed and some quite stubborn birds that had made nests around the house. Inside...well, apart from the stuffy atmosphere, she had a feeling someone watched her. The bad part about cleaning was that while her hands were busy, it left her whole head exposed to all kinds of musings.

Why did it seem like someone left this house in a hurry, a long time ago? Was there a reason no one had lived her for 50 years or so? Did someone still live here? Tori knew she freaked herself out, but she couldn't help it.

Turning back to the mirror, she instantly jumped back and shrieked. "God damn." Her heartbeat raced and duly slowed. Her own reflection. "Shit, man."

* * *

She rose, threw down the rag and walked outside. When you started getting spooked by your own reflection, it was break time.

"Dum dum dum dee, dum dum..." Jo sang as she worked. After the battery of her iPod went flat, she resolved to her own musical talents to keep her spirits up. It worked, somewhat. She didn't sing bad, if she could say so herself. She knew she had talent, and secretly, deep inside she had a wish to make a living out of this talent. Although so far, getting pissed and bawling out ballads at karaoke was the closest thing she'd come to a public performance.

The general hugeness of the place amazed her, as everything else in this house did. She had started by removing the curtains and cleaning the windows. Her arms sore and her back aching, she wondered briefly how many calories she burned by doing this. Last window, finally. She took a proud look around the room; her face promptly fell. The streaming sunlight made it absolutely clear how filthy this place was. She could easily see her own distinct footprints in the dust, so thick a layer was it. And it covered everything. Nothing to do but glove up, and keep scrubbing.

"I'm here with more ammo." Zee walked with great difficulty through the living room, carrying a huge kettle with warm water. Jo threw her old water out through the only window she had managed to open, with a lot of persuading and grease.

"How're you coming along with the kitchen?" Jo asked, while changing her water.

Zee puffed, and leaned towards the doorframe. "It's horrible. Half of the equipment is covered in dust, the other half is rusted and of no use. No rats so far though."

Jo laughed. Maybe she got the better half of the deal this time then?

"Still...it'll be a wonderful kitchen when we're finished. I can't wait 'till the plumber gets here. I never knew I was so dependent of hot water coming out of the faucet."

"Yeah," said Jo. "It's almost like living in Africa or something."

Zee rolled her eyes. "Except there's no war, poverty, hunger or epidemics or anything."

"Yeah, exactly." Jo laughed after a couple of seconds.

"Oh, well," said Zee. Suddenly, she straightened up and saluted Johanna. "Carry on, soldier!" Watching Zee literally marching out, Jo laughed.

She turned to the windows. "Alright you filthy lot, it's time to meet your doom. I, Filth-Ridder, sent by the Empire, shall clean you!" Her voice dropped down several octaves. "She was the only hope, the one girl who could finish the job. Johanna, Dirterminator! Coming soon to a theatre near you." She giggled.

"I can still hear you."

* * *

Once, someone had committed a murder here. And that meant someone had been murdered here. The dark mood surrounding the ancient place gave her chill, and Zee could not help thinking up various scenarios where someone had died a gruesome death. Oliver didn't have a clue, or he acted clueless, concerning the history of the place, and Zee made a mental note to ask around in the village. Despite years of neglect and a lot of dirt, nothing seemed to be really wrong with the house. Jo, being the mechanic of the gang, had checked out the pipes and concluded that as far as she could see, nothing big needed to be fixed. It only added to the mystery of why no one lived there anymore. Zee concluded the House had a past more grimy than its windows.

Even in her head, she heard how the capital lettering fell in place, it seemed so natural. The House. And once again, she arrived at the well. Tori simply refused to stray that far from the House alone, and Jo had the directional sense of a beat chipmunk, so Zee and Oliver took turns at retrieving huge buckets of water. Pushing of the heavy, rugged lid covering the well, she got a flashback to a scene from _The Ring_. Zee didn't get scared easily, but even she had to admit the whole atmosphere creeped her out...big time. She gave an extra glance around the place. Even in such a sparse forest, someone could easily conceal themselves.

She kept an eye out for frogs, bats or scary little girls as she heaved the bucket up, aware of how the rope chafed her fingers. It amazed her how clear the water was, and it tasted like...like non-processed, fresh water. Zdravka, not overly familiar with living out in the country, even though her family owned a huge farm back in the days, had picked up some handy tricks from films. Like putting a strong pole over her back, and hanging heavy buckets on each side. That way she managed to carry two really full buckets of water, and being balanced at the same time. Suppressing the microscopic urge to burst out in song or yodeling, she walked back.

"Ollie?" she called out when she returned to the House. "Oy, Oliver?" No answer, no blond boy bouncing up to attention. "Stupid prick."

Zee first became aware of her surroundings after she had set the water to boil. Something seemed...off. The air gave the impression of being lighter, or something, like in high altitudes. Lungs beginning to work rabidly, she drew deep breaths to keep up her oxygen levels. Zee did not usually get so out of breath like this, even though she based her way of life of nicotine and no physical activity. It became increasingly more difficult to stand straight and she made a 'nnnigggh'-sound every time she took a breath.

Knees hit the ground, her breathing now ragged and forced. What the hell? The world spun, and she fought the strong desire to throw up.

And stop. Air returned to her trachea and she gulped it down, thankful. Still dizzy, she laid down on the grass, not opening her eyes just yet. Feeling the odd sensation of your dinner coming back up your throat didn't sound too attractive to Zee. After calming breaths, her shoulders sank and she released tension in her jaw. Dizzy and out of breath, it felt like she had inhaled an awful amount of helium or ran a marathon.

That was just weird! What happened? Did she have a panic attack or something? Her loud gasping had attracted Rocky, who sniffed Zee in the face, trying to determine if his assistance was needed or not. She groaned, and pushed him away.

"Tori!" she called, but started to cough. It was more a squeak than a shout. "Tori!" she tried again, and soon both her friends appeared in the doorway. They rushed to her aid, and got her up on her feet.

"Zee, you okay?"

"Did you feel it too?"

"What the hell happened?"

"Are you guys fine?"

They spoke in unison, too upset to listen, too frantic to care.

"I don't know what happened, I just couldn't breathe and-"

"It was almost like fainting, I thought I was losing it!"

"Look how dirty my pants are!"

They calmed down at the same time, eyeing each other warily. Everyone of them gasped for air, and Tori shook. One, two, three...Once more, they reacted simultaneously. Jo grabbed Tori when she tried to run to the car.

"Look, I'm sure it's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this!"

"Tori, come back!" Zee said loudly, and followed her upset friend. "It was probably some freak natural phenomena or something."

"The keyword is 'freak' here!" Tori said, wild in the eyes. "Oliver was right. This place is haunted! I could feel it when I was cleaning, something's watching me."

"Come off it, Tor. It was probably Rocky or a...pigeon or something," Jo said, scratching the back of her neck at the same time. "It's nothing to worry about."

"Look, sit down, sweetheart." Zee pushed her friend down on the porch step. She crouched and scrutinised the young girl. "Have you had enough water today? It's dangerous to-"

"I'm not freaking dehydrated, okay? There's something weird about this house. How can you try to tell me what just happened was 'natural'?"

Johanna, somewhere behind Zee, soothed: "I think it's creepy too, but you have to calm down. There's nothing paranormal going on."

Zee wished she could believe her friend, but she still had a bad feeling in her stomach. Pushing it away, she proceeded to calm Tori, the most scared member of the gang, so nervous it had actually stopped being funny. Zee forced her voice calm, and proceeded to gently talk to Tori. Jo busied herself with making a paper cup of tea, which Tori accepted gratefully and Zee declined.

Eventually, the topic of conversation drifted and soon enough, Jo howled of laughter and Tori giggled happily. The situation, still tense, but not dramatic anymore. Weird how just moments earlier they had been panicking.

Idyllic, Zee caught herself thinking. She and Jo, sprawled out on the grass, while Tori still sat on the steps. Zee with a cigarette in one hand, supported herself with the other. Rocky placed himself next to Jo, who stroked his black fur absentmindedly.

When the sun set, Oliver appeared.

"Oy, where've you been?" Zee questioned immediately, a tone of accusation in her voice.

"Picking flowers," he quipped and dumped a good armfull of firewood down next to the bonfire. "Why aren't you cleaning?"

"Oh, listen to him! Mr Big Stuff, coming back from the forest to boss his servants around, eh?" Jo said. "Newsflash, love, we ain't your slaves, y'know."

"And you can bloody well start cleaning too." Zee flicked her cig away. "Don't think that pathetic excuse for a manhood exempts you from anything."

"All in favour of Oliver cleaning the kitchen tomorrow?" Jo asked. Three cries of "Aye!" followed.

"Sweethearts," Oliver said jokingly, holding his hands up to calm them. "I'm sure we can work something out."

"No, boss." Tori glared defiantly. "We quit." She tossed a rag at him. He caught it easily, but stumbled backwards and tripped over Rocky. A flock of birds rose from a nearby tree, spooked by Jo's laughter.

* * *

About a mile from the House, a figure awkwardly sat up from a lying position. The head turned from left to right, and repeated the action quickly as to confirm that what he had seen was correct. An observer would notice a humanoid shape lying close to the first - this one did not move _yet_.

The first person scratched the back of his neck and made a vexed sound. "Oh boy."

* * *

_A/N: That's chapter 1, for ya. Thanks for reading. Feel free to leave a review. Actually, feel inclined to leave a review._


	3. Ch 2: Stalking Horse

**Dead From the Neck Up**

_by MouseMuse_

**Chapter 2**

**Stalking horse**

Johanna Simpson woke up. She used about half a minute to register that she was indeed awake, but it took her about ten seconds after that to crawl away and throw up. "Fuck," she muttered, before the rest of yesterday's stew came up.

Last night came back in the form of flashing images, and oddly enough every one of them contained alcohol in one way or another. She never learned, did she? Ugh, the taste in her mouth sickened her. Groaning and clutching her head to make the pounding stop, she sat up. Thank god, she had been sleeping in the shade. Sunlight did not seem like such a good idea in her state. Lying by her side was an almost empty bottle of undistinguished brandy, and her own puke.

"Okay, Jo. Upsy-daisy." Her own encouragement got her to her feet, but she made tiny squeaks of discomfort as she unsteadily made her way to the front of the house. She had slept on the east side for some reason, alone. Sprawled on the overgrown lawn like drunk decorations, laid Zee, Oliver and Rocky. She shielded her eyes from the glaring sun, and went to check the van. Tori, one arm on the steering wheel, her head on the seat and one foot out of the window, slept peacefully...typical.

Jo ignored her friends, and went to rummage back in the car. Water, soda, detergent...anything drinkable! She found half a bottle of old Pepsi, but beggars can't be choosers and she gulped it down. An Advil later, she squatted down behind some bushes to relieve herself. Still queasy, she decided to abandon all prospects of food and stumbled away in the general direction of the well, the bucket clutched in her sweaty hand. Water! She liked water. Why did she ever drink anything else but water?

It took her twice the normal time to reach the well, as she had wandered off in the wrong directions two, three times, but she eventually found it. Hard work and hangovers did not mix, and Jo walked away to throw up again.

"Doesn't look like much of a ninja, does she?"

Jo froze in the process of wiping her mouth, suddenly feeling cold. That voice did not belong to any of the girls, and certainly not Oliver. She drew in air slowly. Did they bring anyone with them from the pub last night? And ninja? What the hell? She straightened her back, looked around, and looked around once more. No one in sight, but she realized it was very, very quiet. No chirps from birds, no buzzing from bugs, nothing. Only the pleasant smell of nature, and even that made her unnerved.

"I don't see a headband, Deidara-senpai."

Jo snapped around. She couldn't determine from which direction the voices came from. This one was different, more carefree. She saw no one in the vicinity. The chills in the back of her neck made her pounding headache seem desirable. Desperation rose, when she discreetly tried to look around herself once more, keeping an eye out for anything out of the ordinary. Nothing.

"H-hello?" she tried. Her voice wavered, and she reprimanded herself mentally for sounding so scared. "Who's there?" She turned.

"Boo!"

"ACK!" Jo's arms flailed wildly as she stumbled backwards, right into the awaiting hold of the second stranger. Metal pressed against her windpipe and a sensation of panic rose within her. Her thoughts were sluggish from the hangover, but her body reacted - her heart pounded greatly in her ears now, and her knees almost buckled.

"Be perfectly still, yeah." He had a strange accent, and an odd voice...too formal. The person had to be blond, because strands of his hair tickled the side of her face. The metal, she thought it was a knife of some sort, had the exact appropriate amount of pressure against her neck; not enough to draw blood or cut her airways, but certainly enough to keep her from speaking or moving at all. He could not be taller than her, though he felt surprisingly strong.

The other figure stood in front of her, hands at his sides and head tilted to the left, eyeing her puzzled. He certainly looked strange, and Jo imagined he had a quizzical frown on his face, though she had to guess because he covered his features with a colourful mask. It had a psychedelic design, and she had to look away due to her nauseating. Throwing up on your attackers did not seem like the brightest thing to do at the moment. She focused on a point above the masked one, determined to fight her bile down.

"What's your name then?" he asked her, leaning a bit forward and forcing himself into her line of vision. She swallowed, and attempted speech.

"Jo."

Again the disguised man tilted his head, now the other direction. He waited for someone else to say something.

"Where are we?"

Jo's muscled warm breath down her neck made the chills down her spine multiply by hundreds. A minimal increase of pressure warned her to not mess around.

"Just outside Hammarshire." Her voice sounded ragged because of her soar throat. What did these people want? Adrenaline started to flow, and she restrained herself; she wanted to scream and push away the attacker. Why didn't these people know where they were? And what was with the coat?

"What country?" His voice portrayed his annoyance, and crudeness.

What country? They had to be kidding, messing around or something. She didn't feel like pushing her luck though. "E-england," she whispered truthfully.

The tug at her hair made her squeak of both surprise and pain. The attacker spun her around and slammed her against the tree-trunk. Before she reacted, he had the knife at her throat. He used his other hand to force her still.

"Lie again, and I'll cut up your face." He made a sound in the back of his throat that sounded like 'hmm" or 'un'. Jo shook. Her breaths came in big gulps, at the same time as she struggled to keep her movements to a minimal - he really had a firm grip on that knife. Tears welled in her eyes, but hot, flaming anger welled inside of her.

"I'm not lying, I swear!" she pleaded. Her arms hung limp by her side. Warm tears ran down her face. His blue eyes searched her face for a moment, before he relaxed his arm and retrieved the knife. Jo's hands flew up to her throat, to massage and protect the area.

"Are you allied with Konoha, un?"

His words made no sense to Jo. "Who?" she asked, while gently positioning herself further away from the blonde. His masked comrade however had not moved much during the short dialogue, and still seemed to consider his surroundings.

He sniffed loudly. "I think we're by the sea, Deidara-senpai."

The blond sent an angry look towards his friend, before refocusing his attention at Jo. She stared back, scared, but defiant. He was really rather cute, with the features of a young boy and clear skin. She could only see one eye of his. He looked so angry though. Suddenly, she became self-conscious. Her breath had to be horrible after the puking and last night's escapades, and she numbly wondered if she had any pimples on her face.

Several seconds passed. "W-who are you?" she finally asked, standing a bit straighter.

"I'm Tobi!" the masked one jumped up and down, waving his hand. "Tobi is a good boy."Jo would find this amusing in normal circumstances, but she had troubles smiling sincerely.

"Deidara." The blond hesitated to give his name. "You don't know what Konoha is?"

She shook her head. The name actually did ring a tiny little bell at the back of her brain, but she thought it safer to play completely ignorant.

"Where's this...England then?" He had crossed his arms, leaning against another tree. Johanna blinked. What kind of English-speaking person had never heard of England?

"Er...Great Britain?" she attempted, tilting her head.

The masked one, Tobi, took another look at his surroundings. "What's so great about it?"

* * *

Binge drinking could not be said to be one of Zee's biggest hobbies, though she did enjoy a good party every now and then. She preferred to sip to a glass of wine, rather to get stupid wasted like Jo did at every opportunity. Along with a great number of things, Jo drank like a man.

One of the reasons Zee did not usually overdo it with the drinking, was that she was prone to massive headaches and really bad hangovers in general. Naturally, she regretted last night with vigor. "Fuck, fuck, fuck," she mumbled, throwing etiquette away along with the beer bottle she found in her hand, sticky and half empty. She located both Tori and pain-killers inside of the van, but Rocky, Oliver and Jo were still missing in action.

Allowing the medication to work their sweet, blissful wonders, she woke up Tori. "Oy, get up." A smack on the face, and Tori sat up groggily.

She placed herself upright in the driver seat, while Zee comfortably sat in the passenger seat, her feet on the dashboard. All the doors were open, to allow as much fresh air in as possible. It smelled like dog in here.

"Owies!" Tori clutched her head and glared around herself. "Who replaced my brain with a pulsating ball of ouchie?"

"That..." Zee pushed a heavy fringe of red hair back. "...would be the alcohol."

"Oh, thou treacherous substance." Tori made a face. "Thy high percentages make me ill."

"Jo?" asked Tori after a short while.

"Dunno."

"Ollie?"

"Not a clue."

Tori seemed to hesitate. "Memories?"

Zee thought hard. "I believe Jo sang her interpretation of 'It's Raining Men'."

"Oh yeah."

"And you may have made out with a one-legged guy, I'm not sure."


End file.
